Gringo Boogie

I dislike self-fulfilling stereotypes.
I dislike even more the realization that I myself fulfill a stereotype.

Exhibit A: Latin American Dance Class.
Stereotype: Gringas* dance like manequins with metal rods stuck up their plastic butts.

Allow me to explain this term. Some Chileans refer to white people as gringos or gringas.
They like to give nicknames based on physical appearance.
Por ejemplo, gordita, or the little fat one.
I am told these nicknames are meant as terms of affection.
And so I am la gringa or la roja, the white girl with the flaming red hair.
I guess my nickname could always be worse (the slack-jawed one, the one with the nose like a trumpet, the pancake-butted one).

So in class, we are learning the merengue, salsa, and cueca.
The merengue is supposed to look sexy, but I only manage to look bamboozled.
My version of the salsa is saucy in the way of bad cafeteria food.
And then the cueca...
Ahh, Dios.

I am a chronic toe-stepper, directionally challenged dance partner.
In my defense, I am usually violently mismatched height-wise.
And it seems to me that every chileno o chilena emerged from the womb shaking their hips.
How are we supposed to catch up? They have years of practice!
I'm just trying to move my butt like I don't have something shoved up it.

When I am leading, my go-to move is the spin, muy simple.
When I am being led, I mostly flounder in circles until the song ends.

I guess I am learning.
But for now, I am that gringa who can't dance to save her vida.